Selling Out To The Burger Man/Script
Nikki, and Jude are seated around the table. Caitlin closes the Big Squeeze. She is wearing a yellow scarf. Caitlin: "So? What do you think of my new outfit?" Jude: "Sweet scarf action." Caitlin: "No, silly, it's not a scarf. It's a pashmina. This guy I'm kinda seeing gave it to me along with...companion shoes!" shows off her gifts. Nikki: "So you shop, and he pays. Sounds like a match made in heaven." Caitlin: "I know, right? Aren't they sweet together?" Nikki: "I was talking about you and your new boyfriend." Caitlin: quieted "Oh. Right." Jen: "Sounds kind of serious if he's buying you all that stuff. Who is he?" Caitlin: "Um...actually, I'm kind of drawing a blank." Nikki: "You can't remember his name?!?" Caitlin: "Oh, it's right on the tip of my tongue!" guy comes up behind her and covers her eyes. Les: "Guess who?" Caitlin: "Oh! Um...Talon?" Les: "No." Caitlin: "Kyle." Les: "No." Caitlin: "Wade?" Les: "No." Caitlin: "Ken?" Les: "Who?" Caitlin: "Tad." Les: "Okay, this is awkward. It's Les." Caitlin: "Of course! Les!" gets up and shows him off. "Guys, this is Les." Jen: "Hi Les." Jude: "Hey dude." Nikki: uncomfortable "Yeah, hey." awkward silence descends upon the five. Les clears his throat awkwardly. Les: "So, are you ready for our big date?" Caitlin: "Oh, sweetie, love to, but I so have to finish my chemistry assignment." Les: "That's too bad, because I've got a Khaki Barn gift certificate. We could check out those bamboo purses you like." Caitlin: "Well...okay. Let's go!" and Les leave. Jude stares ahead as if in a daze. Jude: "Whoa. You can make a purse out of bamboo?" ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Selling Out To The Burger Man' ---- ''is hanging out with Caitlin and her friends. Jude: "Whatcha got there, bro?" Jonesy: "Okay." up a camera "I'm official mall photographer." Caitlin: "Jonesy already took some pictures of me and Les. You've got such a great eye! This shot is amazing." shot in question has Caitlin in the foreground and Les barely visible in the background. Jonesy: "Glad you like it. And for the low low price of a fiver it can be yours for posterity." Caitlin: "I do look super-cute in it." Les: "And it would look great in a silver frame from Willows and Williams!" Caitlin: excited "The cute ones with magnets for your locker?" gasps. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Les: "Willows and Williams, here we come!" pays for the photo and they both walk off. Nikki: "Okay, is it me, or did Caitlin just get a sugar daddy?" Jen: "That girl needs a good talking-to!" Jonesy: "She's got smarts. I'll give her that." Wyatt: up "I'm going to meet Marlowe before my shift starts." starts to leave. Jonesy: "She hasn't dumped you yet?" stops dead in his tracks. Wyatt: "What, you don't think I can score an amazing girl like Marlowe?" Jonesy: "Whatever. The hard part isn't scoring the chick, it's keeping her." Nikki: "Says the voice of experience." stifles a laugh. Jonesy: "Fact: For the first three months, it's all about the bling. Babes. Love. Bling." Nikki: "Oh, please!" Wyatt: worried "I can barely afford lattes! And with my parents renovating the basement, I don't even have rehearsal space for the band now!" Jonesy: "What kind of provider are you, man?" Wyatt: "Marlowe doesn't care about money. She's not like that." a beat "Is she?" Jonesy: whispering "All chicks are like that." and Les walk by with several shopping bags. "I rest my case." ---- is at work flipping burgers while Marlowe eats fries while sitting on a counter stool by him. Wyatt: "Hold the burger/Hold the fries/All I need is the look in your eyes/And I'm all-you-can-eat happy." Marlowe: happy "You're too much!" Cillian: up, applauding "Oh, bravo." man in a business suit and sunglasses walks up to Wyatt. He is accompanied by Tim. Tim: "See? Told you so. Wyatt, this is Cillian from head office. I invited him here specifically to hear you sing and–" holds up a finger, and Tim stops speaking. Cillian: "Wyatt. Burger McFlipster's needs to attract the next generation of mall-eaters. We need a ditty. No, an anthem, that'll make kids flip for McFlipster's." Wyatt: "You mean, a jingle?" Cillian: "In common parlance, yes. A catchy piece of ear candy written by you and performed with your band over the mall intercom." Marlowe: "Wyatt could write it with his eyes closed!" Wyatt: "You really think so? It's not really my genre." Cillian: "Of course we'd throw in all the McFood the band can eat." Marlowe: "Free fries. All right!" remembers something from earlier in his day. Memory Jonesy: "Babes. Love. Bling." Wyatt: reality "Okay. Give us the rehearsal space for three months, and you got a deal." Cillian: "You drive a hard bargain, kiddo." sets down a gigantic contract. "Sign here." does as requested. Marlowe flashes him a thumbs-up. ---- is trying on clothes in a Huntington's changing room while Les waits outside. Les: "There's something I've been meaning to ask." his throat "You're so pretty, and nice, and I was just wondering if you'd like to be my girlfri–" Caitlin: "No question! Total love!" steps out of the changing room. "Pink earmuffs!" sags. "So sweet!" Les: pained "Oh." Caitlin: "Are you okay? You look kinda queasy." Les: "Never mind. C'mon. Let's ring these up." Caitlin: "Are you sure you want to buy these for me? You've been paying for so much." Les: "No worries. Money's not a problem." Caitlin: "Great!" walks towards the checkout counter. As soon as her back is turned, Les stops smiling and looks worried. ---- is sleeping at a table inside Burger McFlipster's. Suddenly, he wakes up. Wyatt: "The jingle! Is it written?" picks up Wyatt's blank sheet of paper. Jude: full "Judging by this piece of paper, I'd say that you are jingle-free." Wyatt: "Oh, no! What am I gonna do? Marlowe spent two hours convincing the band that I could write something catchy and real that wouldn't embarrass us!" Jude: eating "A jingle with street cred? Heavy order, dude." Wyatt: an idea "Wait a second! Heavy order! Heavy! Jude, that's it! Gotta go! Thanks, man!" gets up from the table and heads for the door. ---- is showing off her newest acquisition to the gang: a coat made of fake pink fur. Caitlin: "So?" Jen: "Don't tell me. A gift from Les." Caitlin: "It's faux fur!" Jen: "Not to second-guess your feelings, Caitlin, but are you sure you like Les for the right reasons?" Caitlin: "I know Les isn't like other guys I've dated." Jonesy: "Yeah. Most guys you've dated have a personality." Caitlin: "Les is a really good listener. Like every time I say I like something, he goes out and buys it for me." Jen: "Okay, shopping aside, do you really think he's 'the one'?" Caitlin: "Don't worry. We're taking things slow." Nikki: "Slow? You already have three complete outfits." Jonesy: "If you ask me, Caitlin hasn't even begun to milk this cow! And who knows? Maybe he likes to buy stuff for Caitlin's friends, too." looks back at Caitlin to see Les covering her eyes with his hand. Les: "Guess who?" Nikki: whispering "Could somebody put a bell around his neck so we can hear him coming?" removes his hands and hands her a bag. Caitlin: amazed "It's you!" out a dress "I thought I'd never see you again!" happy "Les, you shouldn't have." shrugs. Jen turns to her friends, silently asking if she should say something, and Jonesy shakes his head. ---- band walks out of the recording studio. Guitarist: "Gotta hand it to you, Williams, you write a fierce jingle." Marlowe: "I knew you could do it. You got talent, Wyatt." Wyatt: "See you guys." rest of his band, save Marlowe, walks off. Cillian steps out of the shadows. Cillian: "Wyatt. You are one lucky man. Head Office saw your demo tape, and they want your band to perform live in the mall tomorrow." Wyatt: "Wait, that wasn't in the contract!" Cillian: "Think about your career, Wyatt. Think about your band. Besides, it is in the contract. Page 543." leaves. Wyatt watches him go. Wyatt: "Great. The band's gonna flip." Marlowe: "It's not that big a deal. They'll be proud to sing your lyrics. Let me talk to them." Wyatt: "Really?" Marlowe: "No worries. I'll call you later." leaves. The comforted smile departs from Wyatt's face, and he nervously calls Jonesy, who is taking photos of Darth and Julie. Darth and Julie are in full Star Wars regalia and are in front of a screensaver of stars. Jonesy: "Yeah, baby, crank that wind machine higher! Can you give me more pout, sweetheart?" doesn't budge. "Uh, perfect!" walks over to a large fan and turns it on. It produces a stiff wind. "Now we're talking! Okay, now swing that lightsaber!" does as commanded. Jonesy's phone rings. "Okay, take five!" answers his phone. "This better be important, Wyatt. I'm working here." Wyatt: "This whole bling thing is getting outta hand! Cillian's making the band perform live jingles now! Marlowe's gonna think I'm an idiot!" Jonesy: "Whoa whoa whoa. Calm down and stick to the plan. What chick doesn't like a live music gig?" Wyatt: "I-I dunno–" Jonesy: "It's in the bag, dude! Grow some stones, why don't you? Now if you'll excuse me, I have some paying customers to attend to." hangs up and turns back to Darth and Julie, who are awkwardly positioned. He laughs. ---- and Les are in Albatross & Finch. Caitlin looks over Les. Caitlin's Thoughts: What if Jen's right? What if he's not the one? Hmm...haircut not so great. A bit bland. So much beige. clears his throat. He is holding up a sparkly purple piece of clothing. Les: "What do you think?" Caitlin: excited "It's the one!" ---- are hung for the band's performance of Burger McFlipster's new jingle. Nikki, Jen, and Jude wade into the crowd to take their seats while Jonesy snaps pictures of the crowd. Ron comes up behind him. Ron: "You got a permit for that, paparazzo scum?" Jonesy: Ron "The camera can't resist a photogenic man in uniform!" shows the display to Ron. "Such dignity!" Ron: "Hmm. Nice. Heroic, yet modest. You can almost smell the burnt ammo." Jonesy: "And only five bucks a pop." Ron: over two five-dollar bills "Two copies on my desk by sunrise, soldier!" salutes as Ron leaves. Wyatt steps up to the microphone. Wyatt: "Thanks for coming out, everybody. We're here singing for Burger McFlipster's, but what we're really hoping to serve you is not just another fast-food jingle." crowd cheers. Wyatt grabs the microphone. "You got that look in your eyes/The look that says–" Wyatt, Guitarist, Keyboardist: "FRIES!" Wyatt: "I'm burning for a burger/With all the fixings/Rapid digestion–" Wyatt, Guitarist, Keyboardist: "Out of the question!" Wyatt: "But it don't matter–" backup singers belch in time with the music "–'cause it don't get fatter/If you're gonna go big/Go Burger McFlipster's!" song comes to a close. Cillian: offended "Digestion out of the question?!?!?" nervously shrugs. Cillian angrily stares at him from the wings. Cillian: "That talentless burger flipper just cost us millions!" crowd begins to cheer. "Heads are going to roll–" notices that the crowd has finally responded to the jingle, and with overwhelming applause no less. Wyatt: "Thanks." hugs him, and Jonesy takes a picture of the moment. Cillian: applauding "Bravo! Bravo! I knew Wyatt was the right choice!" raises an eyebrow but otherwise chooses to say nothing. ---- is working while Jude stands by, eating fries. Tim: "Congratulations, Wyatt. You really connected to your audience." Wyatt: "Wow, thanks Tim!" Tim: a check mark on his clipboard "Nurture employee morale: check. Next item: onions." Wyatt: "Onions?" Tim: "Starting today, McFlipster's is moving from freshly chopped onions to freeze-dried onion chunkies." Wyatt: "Well, that'll make my job easier–" Tim: "Not so fast, Iron Chef. There's technique involved. Implements, measurements, calibration–" Wyatt: "You add water, right?" Tim: "You say it like it's idiot-proof. Here's your training video." Wyatt a DVD "Watch. Absorb. Master." Wyatt: "Freeze-Dried Food: A Space Traveler's Guide?" Tim: "We use the same video as NASA." Jude: full "No way! Is Lance Armstrong in it?" Tim: "It's Neil Armstrong. And no. Do you work here?" Cillian: "Let's look busy, people." Jude and Tim away "Move move move!" to Wyatt "So Wyatt, how does it feel to be famous?" Wyatt: "Well, actually–" Cillian: "Head Office is loving you. All they want is a few small changes to the lyrics for your next performance." Wyatt: shocked "Next performance? Look, we–" Cillian: "Well the ones you wrote make the food sound unhealthy. McFlipster Meals need to sound nutritious. Energizing. Active!" Wyatt: "But everything we sell is either freeze-dried or soaked in fat!" Cillian: "Don't get smart with me, young man. Do you want to flip burgers for the rest of your life? Or do you want to be a star?" Wyatt: "Look, I have to run this by Marlowe and the band before I rewrite anything." Cillian: "Oh, the rewrite's already done! I'll drop it by rehearsal tomorrow. And besides–" Wyatt: "I know, it's in the contract." Cillian: "Yes." ---- leads his male friends towards the new rehearsal space. All three are carrying McFood. Wyatt: "Thanks for coming, guys. The band will appreciate an objective opinion on the new lyrics." trio of friends walk into the room and gasp. They stop dead in their tracks. Wyatt: "Aah! What the–" bandmates are dressed as fast food. None of them look particularly pleased. Jonesy laughs until he takes Wyatt's elbow to his stomach. Jude: "Whoa." Keyboardist: "Your friend Cillian dropped by. He threatened to throw us all in jail for breach of contract if we didn't wear these...costumes?" Marlowe: "Wyatt, what's going on? Did you know about this?" Wyatt: "Of course not! I thought Cillian was just editing the lyrics!" Keyboardist: "Yeah, don't worry, he did that too." boy presses a button on a CD player in the room. All new music begins playing. "All the kids/Were headed for McFlipster's/Oooh yeah/We're hustlin'/And bustlin'/Stayin' fit as we can/We're in an active mood/And we want active food–" Wyatt: appalled "Stop!" Jonesy: chuckling "Oh, man, that is pathetic." Guitarist: "These costumes will destroy our street cred for life." Wyatt: "Look, there's gotta be a way around all this! Lemme talk to Cillian." Keyboardist: "Dude, either you find us a get-out-of-jail card, pronto, or you're out of the band." Wyatt: "Marlowe?" Marlowe: harshly "I need some time to talk this over with the band. Alone." Wyatt: sighing "C'mon." and his friends head for the door. Jonesy sticks his head back in. Jonesy: "Say cheeseburger!" takes a snapshot of Wyatt's band. Wyatt: "Jonesy!" ---- gang are gathered around the table. Wyatt is staring at a picture of him and Marlowe together. Wyatt: sighing "We were so good together." thunks his head on the table. Jen: "I'm so sorry, Wyatt." Caitlin: "Let's not jump to conclusions. She hasn't dumped him yet." Jude: "We were there. I'd say he's pretty much dumped." sighs. Jonesy: "So you screwed up, big deal. There's plenty of chicks in the sea." Wyatt: angry "I screwed up? This whole bling thing was your idea! I signed that stupid contract just to impress Marlowe! And now the band hates me and I've lost her forever!" angrily leaves the table. Nikki: sarcastic "Nice work, Cyrano." Caitlin: "Poor Wyatt. Is it really that bad? Those costumes can't have been worse than this lemon hat." Jonesy: "Way worse." brings up the picture on his camera. Nikki: "Ouch." Jonesy: "Check it out." slides the camera over to Jude, Jen, and Caitlin. Caitlin: "Eww." Jen: "Ugh." Caitlin: "That's bad." Jen: "So why did you take that nasty shot?" Nikki: "Yeah, I thought you were charging for them. No one's gonna pay for an embarrassing shot like that." Jonesy: "Actually, it's all part of my new business strategy. The way I see it, there's more money in offering to erase shots than in printing them. Check it out." flips through several embarrassing photos. "I can charge a fortune for these!" Jen: "Jonesy! You can't go making money off people's misfortunes like that. It's wrong." slides the camera back over, and Nikki grabs it. Nikki: "Totally!" a picture of Chrissy "How much for that last one?" ---- is trying on a pink dress inside the Khaki Barn. Caitlin: "Isn't it adorable, Les?" coughs and gives her a thumbs-up. Caitlin: "Eee!" blows her boyfriend a kiss. "I'll be right there." a big commission, the Clones fawn over Caitlin. Nikki: "And how will you be paying for this?" Les: "With great difficulty." turns his wallet upside-down, and a single bill falls out. Nikki: "Look, Les, not my business, but, are you sure you can afford all this?" Les: "I can't not afford it. Shopping is what Caitlin and I do. It's the tie that binds." Nikki: "Yeah, noose that hangs is more like it. Wait here." goes over to Caitlin's changing room, shoves the Clones out of the way, and throws the door open. Caitlin: "AAAAH! Excuse me!" Nikki: "Wh–you're fully dressed, Caitlin!" Caitlin: "Oh. Lost track for a second." Nikki: "Does the phrase, 'gravy train about to derail' mean anything to you?" Caitlin: "What are you talking about?" Nikki: "Haven't you ever wondered how a sixteen-year-old kid is financing a wardrobe fit for a shipping heiress?" Caitlin: "No. Do you think I should get the pink or the white in this?" Nikki: irritated "Uh, gotta go. Now." storms out of the Khaki Barn and dials someone on her phone. "AAAAAAAAAHHHH–" ---- is working at the Penalty Box when her phone rings. She answers. Jen: "Hello?" Nikki: "–HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jen: "Nikki? Is that you?" Nikki: "I need to talk to someone who speaks Caitlin." Jen: "I'm fluent, just speak slowly. Uh-huh...uh-huh...okay, I'll be right over. Don't let her do any more shopping until I get there." ---- is mixing the onion chunkies. Dreadlocked Teenager: annoyed "What's the holdup?!?" Jude: "Patience, dude. Good food takes time." Wyatt: "It might help if onion chunkies came in bulk. Why did they have to make the packets so tiny?" Jude: "Gotta be for freshness." Tim: up to Wyatt "Wyatt, I thought I could trust you." holds up the training DVD. "I found this still in its shrink-wrap." Stanley: up "Hey! I didn't get my free sea monkeys!" Blonde Kid: "My sea monkeys were just a bunch of dehydrated onions!" Man #1: offscreen "Hey, there's something on my burger. It's alive!" in the restaurant gasps. Man #2: offscreen "Mine too!" restaurant panics, and everyone runs for the exit. Jonesy arrives. Jonesy: "All right!" photos, Jonesy wades into the fray. Wyatt: "Huh?" looks at the packet in his hand. It is, of course, sea monkeys. Tim: "You've been putting live sea monkeys on burgers?" man barfs offscreen. Jude looks at his burger, shrugs, and continues eating. ---- is holding the changing room door shut on her friend. Caitlin: "Let me out, Nikki! The stores are closing in half an hour!" Jen: up "Okay, I'm here! Where is Caitlin?" throws open the door to the changing room, and the three girls jam themselves inside. Les waits outside. Jen: "Caitlin, we're worried about you. We think you're only dating Les because he buys you stuff." Caitlin: "What are you talking about? Les and I have tons in common." Jen: "Like what?" holds up a pink blouse. "Besides shopping." Caitlin: "Well, we both like...um...okay, maybe shopping's all we do together, but we both really enjoy it." Nikki: "And who's paying all the bills?" Caitlin: "Les is. But it's okay, Les loves shopping, and he's got plenty of money." Nikki: "Nuh-uh. The guy's broke!" Caitlin: "What? Les, is that true?" Les: nervous "Well, yes." girls exit the change room. Caitlin: "Why didn't you say something?" Les: "Because I was afraid that the only reason you liked me is because I bought you stuff." gasps. "It's true, isn't it?" friends look at her stubbornly, wanting her to tell the truth. Caitlin: "Well–" Les: "I'm such an idiot!" runs out of the store, almost in tears. Caitlin: "Oh, you guys were right! Aw, poor Les! This whole thing is my fault! What am I gonna do?" Nikki: "Well, the path to redemption is clear, and it's straight down the return aisle." Caitlin: "Oh! Like shopping, only in reverse! I can do that." ---- and Wyatt are sitting on the couch in Grind Me. Marlowe: "I know you see this coming." Wyatt: "Let's get it over with." Marlowe: "Wyatt, I'm sorry, but the band wants you out. You're just too commercial for them." Wyatt: "I totally understand why I'm being dumped. The only reason I got the band into this mess was because I thought it would impress you." Marlowe: "Impress me? It's your talent and personality that impress me. Not free fries or rehearsal space. Plus, I really like the way you smell." and Marlowe lean in for a kiss. Suddenly, Wyatt jerks back. Wyatt: "Wait a minute. The band's dumping me but you're not?" Marlowe: "You can't get rid of me that easy. Just promise that a, you'll be yourself from now on, and b, you'll get these fries away from me. It's getting kinda gross." Wyatt: the fries away "Done." Marlowe: "Let me talk to the guys. Maybe they'll let you stay in the band after all." kisses Wyatt on the cheek and leaves. Wyatt: giddy "She likes the way that I smell." ---- and Nikki are watching Caitlin get ready to return all of Les' purchases. Caitlin: "Beaded halter top, I think I'll miss you most of all." walks up. Les: "What's all this?" Caitlin: "A returns pile." Les: "Huh?" Caitlin: "Guys, can we have some privacy?" and Jen look at each other, then scoot their chairs back a foot. Caitlin: "Les, after all those shopping trips, why didn't you tell me you were broke?" Les: "I tried. But you never listened to anything I said, unless it involved colors and fabrics." Caitlin: "That's not true." thinks about it. "Okay, it is. I just got so swept away by our shopping chemistry, our relationship took a back seat." Les: "To be honest, what I really liked was being seen with you–" Jen: "I knew it!" stares at her. "Sorry." sits down again. Caitlin: "Seen with?" Les: "All my life I've been an invisible loser. But everyone noticed me when I was with you. As 'Caitlin's Boyfriend', I was a somebody." Caitlin: sweetly "Well, now you can be Caitlin's ex. That's something too." takes his arm. "Now c'mon. Let's return everything before it's too late." Les: "Wait. I want you to have a little something to remember me by." hands Caitlin a pink-and-purple barrette that she fixes in her hair. Nikki: Jen "It's gonna take more than that." laughs. ---- six teens are by the Big Squeeze. Jonesy has a steak pressed to his eye. Wyatt sighs happily. Wyatt: relaxed "It's official, guys, I'm a mere burger flipper once again. I told Cillian to find someone else to sing his jingle. And he didn't even fire me!" Jonesy: "That makes one of us." takes the steak off to reveal a shiner. "I'm gonna chill on the photography thing for a while." Caitlin: "What happened to your eye, Jonesy?" Jonesy: "Wyatt's boss threw my camera at it when I took pictures of all of his customers barfing up sea monkeys." stomach quivers. Jude: "Whoa, chill." Jen: happy "I can't believe they didn't fire you, Wyatt!" Wyatt: "Yeah, turns out sea monkeys are actually brine shrimp. They're alive, but technically edible." Jude: "Edible, yes, but not easy on the old stomach muscle." stomach rumbles once again, and he lets out a huge burp. Jen: "Jude!" Caitlin: "Ew, gross!" stench spreads through the food court, causing everyone to vacate the area if possible. Category:Season 3